So I was forced to pick up the phone and speak to a real person. They were friendly enough, but it took much longer over the phone because they had to ask me 20 inane security questions and then put me on hold to crap music while they checked whether they could do what I wanted, and then they had to try and “upsell” me with combos and supersized fries, or the banking equivalent.

It just reinforced my dislike of telephones. My bank is trying to be very touchy-feely at the moment by having “real” people answer the phones, but that doesn’t necessarily improve the experience. Robots remain calm; people get flustered. With robots, I can just press buttons and not have to string entire sentences together. You know where you are with robots, whereas with people the conversation can go in any direction. And in a battle of people vs robots, robots are most likely to win. So why are we trying to oppress them? Now I’m nervous about an uprising.

• Don’t go at lunchtime. That’s when everyone else goes and you’ll all be tapping your feet (in impatience, not to a rhythm).
• Respond politely to old ladies’ remarks about the weather while you’re queuing, but don’t get yourself invited over for tea and cookies or entangled in a debate about anything 21st century vs In Her Day.
• Consider bankers’ advice about opening new accounts but don’t make any decisions until you’ve done your own research. It’s their job to sell you on new bank promotions. There are always hidden fees, taxes etc to consider.
• Prepare to be asked a bunch of questions about your finances. When I banked my first AdSense check it caused somewhat of sensation at the local bank and I was bombarded with questions about how, why, who, and what I was doing getting Google checks when I wasn’t American, and was it somehow Lord of the Rings related (although what in the name of Sauron LOTR has to do with Google is beyond me).

How to avoid the bank

• Bank over the phone, or online (not in an internet cafe, though). Many banks have excellent websites these days, and it’s also a handy way to check out other banks and their deals to make sure you’re getting the best rates for your money.
• Stuff all your money into your socks. Might get uncomfortable, though.

I’m big on travel and am much savvier now than I was when I first started seeing the world 10 years ago. I don’t pack a million things, for one, and try not to fall for tourist scams.

What does irk me though is how completely and utterly ripped off you get when you exchange money. It’s worst at the airport (often a laughable exchange rate plus an additional fee) but it’s bad pretty much at any Bureau De Change. And if I use my New Zealand money card at ATMs overseas I get ‘currency coversion’ fees, something mysterious called a ‘convenience fee’ and a ‘just because we feel like it’ fee.

Why can’t we all just use Linden dollars, like in Second Life?

I’m referring to both purchasing big items on the spot (ie not adding cars, washing machines etc to your credit card debt, as outlined here) and also using paper instread of a debit card to keep better track of your spending. It’s easy to part with money when you can’t see it almost literally slipping from your fingers! Think about the commercial from Mastercard with the elephant swiping the plastic to buy items for his keeper’s cold. Cute and convincing (I’m a sucker for animal commercials, clearly) BUT I’m finding carrying cash is a better way to cut down on my spending.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_IlPWIzFH4]

I just couldn’t understand it. She was a grown woman. Why couldn’t she spend her own money as she liked? It was the 21st century, after all. But I’ve since learned that many couples work that way, with no personal accounts of their own.

Now, my money management is so far from perfect that perfect’s not even on the horizon but I still have my own accounts for spending money and savings. We have shared accounts for expenses and make automatic payments into them. I would never pool all my finances without a backup.

Anyway, I did some Googling and it turns out this is a fairly contentious subject. One writer announced: “It’s about trust. If you don’t trust your husband, you have no business being married.” It’s not all about trust for me, but I’d also argue that half of marriages end in divorce. And how many divorced women are wealthy?

Last night, for the zillionth time, a local bank was advertising. Apparently the ads are targeted at women; they feature animated piggy banks. The deconstructivist in me thinks: “What is this bank really trying to say?” Apart from the usual low-fees promise, I can’t see much else. It mostly just features the wee piggies cavorting around, at resorts etc, enjoying their money. (Which also makes me think: don’t pigs usually represent greed and filth, or even corrupt communism? Think Animal Farm.)

But the girly-girl in me always exclaims: “They’re so cute!” much to the disgust of my partner. Not cute enough to make me switch banks, mind. I do base my financial decisions on slightly firmer ground. But I do look back and think about what made me change to my current bank over 10 years ago. Was it all the sweet package deal, or was it partly thanks to the free stuff that came with it, and the stirring classical music ads? Hrm.